Malice in Wonderland
by Eldritch Librarian
Summary: Our dear Matron Malice Do'Urden is resurrected by House Baenre and is forced to wear a certain blue dress, white apron and a black hairband for some unknown reasons. Thirsty for revenge, she follows the White Rabbit, but falls from one trouble into another (quite literally). AU, but with no definite timeline. COMPLETE.
1. Foreword

_**FOREWORD**_

**Hey guys!**

This is my first fanfic, so I would really appreciate some constructive critique, tips and such.

The idea for this rather random story appeared when I accidentally misspelt "Alice in Wonderland" and Googled "Malice in Wonderland" instead. After that, this little plot bunny appeared and refused to go away.

This story is obviously a AU, where Alice Liddell is "played", as you can guess, by Matron Malice Do'Urden. Others may or may not be a surprise. I'm not sure about the timeline, but it has Entreri and Kimmuriel, so definitely post-"Exile". I've also resurrected a few people for the purpose of this story, so don't be all: "But they're dead! How did they get here?! It makes no sense!" It's Wonderland. Hardly anything in there ever makes any sense.

All the characters belong to R.A. Salvatore and Wizards of the Coast.

"Alice in Wonderland" belongs to Lewis Carroll. (Or belonged, since he's kind of dead now)

Alright! The story. Enjoy!


	2. Chapter 1: Follow the White Rabbit

_**CHAPTER 1: FOLLOW THE WHITE RABBIT**_

Losing Lolth's favour, failing to complete Zin-carla, having your house destroyed and getting killed by your eldest daughter was one thing. Being resurrected by House Baenre and forced to wear some ridiculous dress for some unknown reasons was something completely different.

Malice Do'Urden stood in a small, dark, empty room in the House Baenre, looking at herself in the mirror, the only item in the chamber, and groaning internally. Gods, she looked ridiculous in that stupid, uncomfortable light blue dress, white apron, a pair of itchy white tights and black shoes. What was even worse, her Matron's crown was replaced by a horrible black hairband with a bow on top of it.

-Lolth, why…- She sent a quiet complaint to her goddess, even though she was pretty sure she knew why. This was her punishment for failing the Spider Queen and letting Drizzt escape once again: total and utter humiliation in front of the entire city, most probably.

Anger boiled up inside the woman's heart when she thought about her rebellious son, who was the primary reason why her life was so messed up lately. From sparing an elven child during a surface raid, through running away into the wilderness of the Underdark, up to escaping from her clutches once again and leaving the Underdark for the world above it: The Surface.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a glimpse of red, grey and white. She turned around to see a drow child. And not any drow child! Even if Malice lived fifty centuries longer she wouldn't forget that face: the face of Drizzt Do'Urden.

However, this Drizzt was younger than the one she remembered. This Drizzt looked like he still was the Page Prince of House Do'Urden. Another strange thing was that he wore a red waistcoat with a white shirt underneath, dark blue trousers and… He had white rabbit ears.

Well, this Drizzt IS certainly strange, Malice thought. An illusion, perhaps? A trick prepared by Matron Baenre to convince her that she was going mad?

Suddenly, the child looked at her, his lavender eyes widening in surprise and fear.

-Oh no. - He whispered and ran. Malice gave chase, confusion being replaced by fury and desire for revenge. The little brat was fast, so she had a hard time catching up with him, especially in that thrice-cursed outfit, but she did not lose the sight of him for even one split second.

Malice wasn't aware of that, but they left the First House of Menzoberranzan, and soon the city itself, running deep into the Underdark. After running through many tunnels, Drizzt suddenly disappeared.

The matron stopped, looking around wildly until she saw a deep, deep hole in the ground that looked more like a tunnel. Hungry for revenge, she jumped in without a second thought.

**-xXx xXx xXx-**

**(A/N: Drizzt is a kid in this story because I figured that he would make a better White Rabbit as a kid.)**


	3. Chapter 2: Down the Rabbit Hole

_**CHAPTER 2: DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE**_

Her hair was whipping around her face as she fell on and on, slowly regretting not thinking her decision through. She couldn't even activate her levitation spell for some reason!

A string of curses left Malice's lips and was quickly snatched away by the wind roaring all around her. The blasted hole had no blasted end!

Slowly, the darkness was replaced by little balls of faerie fire in mismatched rows, many small items stacked on shelves built into the tunnel, pictures and maps hanging on the walls and jars filled with suspicious substances. Just as she was about to release another string of curses, this time a lot longer, Malice hit the ground with a loud THUD.

The matron coughed, the fall knocking the air out of her lungs, and sat up, looking around for the boy. She saw him standing a few feet away from her, regarding her curiously, before he turned around and ran. Her fury lending her strength, Malice once again gave chase, not bothering to clean herself up after the fall. She didn't care for that damned dress, anyway.

She ran into a wide, long room full of doors, but definitely not full of rabbit traitors. Drizzt was nowhere in sight. Cursing, Malice tried every single door in the room, but all seemed to be locked, no matter how much she banged, kicked, screamed or cursed at them.

Suddenly, her eyes landed on a small, three-legged stool, all made of crystal. She briefly considered smashing it into smithereens in frustration when she saw a small, golden key lying on top of it. A wide grin spread on Malice's features as she snatched the key, thanking Lolth for the gift and proceeded to try it on the doors. However, either the keyholes were too big, or the key was too small, because it wouldn't fit any of the doors.

-_Vith dos!_ \- Malice roared at the key in frustration, wanting to throw the useless thing away, but she noticed something that wasn't there before: A little door, about fifteen inches high. She tried the key and, to her ultimate delight, it fitted perfectly!

"That's where the little brat has gone!" Malice thought with a smirk "Clever kid."

She opened the door. Behind them, she saw a small, narrow passage, no larger that a rat's tunnel. She frowned.

-What the…- she wouldn't be able to pass through this, and there seemed to be no other ways out of the room, either. An illusion, perhaps? She quickly cast a seeing spell, but it revealed nothing. No secret passages, no hidden buttons or levers opening any doors, nothing.

Groaning, Malice returned to the crystal table, this time definitely planning to smash it into tiny little pieces in frustration, when she saw a small vial sitting on top of it. It certainly wasn't there before. Malice scanned the room cautiously, looking for any unwanted companions or, just maybe, her son, but her eyes met nothing. With nothing else to do, the matron examined the potion. It had a label with "DRINK ME" written in big, clear letters.

Malice Do'Urden wasn't stupid, which was the main reason why she stayed alive in a city where killing your own mother was seen as simply a promotion, so she didn't drink the suspicious, bright blue liquid straight away.

She was the biggest expert in potions, balsams and poisons in Menzoberranzan, so she had her ways to check if the wine wasn't poisoned by one of her daughters, or, in this particular case, if the potion wouldn't leave her on the ground, choking on her own swollen tongue.

When the woman was satisfied, she risked a little sip from the vial, since she couldn't really think of anything better to do. That one sip made her shrink a few inches. A shrinking potion!

Malice gulped the whole thing and quickly shrank to about the right size to fit through the tiny door. She smiled in contempt. The hunt could be continued.


	4. Chapter 3: Bigger, Smaller

_**CHAPTER 3: BIGGER, SMALLER**_

After making sure that she won't shrink any further, Malice eagerly ran to the tiny door, but stopped.

_"__VITH!" _She yelled, pulling her hair in frustration. She forgot that she left the key on the table! Stupid, stupid, stupid! How could she be so careless?!

Mumbling to herself angrily, the tiny matron returned to the table to see that it was far too big for her to get on. She tried to activate her levitation spell, but it didn't work. Malice frowned. Her magic worked, but her natural abilities didn't? How strange.

-You stupid woman! - She scolded herself and sat down in resignation, thinking what to do.

When she lifted her gaze from the floor, she saw a small box lying under the table; another thing that wasn't there before. The woman approached it warily, half expecting it to explode or release some poisonous gas or monsters or something. Despite her doubts, she opened it and took out a small piece of cake, with "EAT ME" written on the icing. Malice raised an eyebrow.

-More suspicious gifts? - She muttered to herself, checking the cake for hidden shards of glass, poison and such things. Once she made sure it was relatively safe to eat, she took a cautious bite.

This time, Malice grew a few inches, but still was too short to reach the table. She laughed.

-Shrinking potion and a growing cake. Really?! - She called to no one in particular as she ate the entire cake, growing back to her normal height.

"Well, now what?" She thought as she grabbed the key. "There's no potion left, so I can't go through that blasted door."

Suddenly, a small spider scurried along the floor, but stopped in the middle of the room. Malice felt as if it was staring at her. The spider didn't move.

-What is it? - She asked, approaching the creature, the key still in her hand. As she neared, the spider ran to the far end of the room, where a pair of gloves –much too small for her- and a beautiful fan with spider web ornaments lay.

A grin spread on Malice's lips. Maybe Lolth did not abandon her after all!

She put the key into a pocket in her apron – the only useful thing about this horrible outfit- and picked the items up, turning to the spider.

-Great. What should I do with those? - She asked respectfully, for spiders were the most sacred creatures in her religion.

The spider didn't answer, but Malice wasn't really expecting it to, but continued to stare at her, as if giving her an unamused look.

She looked at the gloves and figured that they were no good, so they went into the pocket. That's one less thing to worry about. Now, the fan…

"Should I start to fan myself or what?" Malice thought, frowning, but did that, for lack of any better ideas. As she did that, she started to shrink again!

The matron laughed, and soon stopped fanning herself to avoid being shrunk to the spider's height. As she turned to the creature to thank it for the help, the spider was gone. Sending a quick prayer to Lolth, Malice went back to the tiny door, humming a tune as she went. Things were finally starting to work out.


	5. Chapter 4: Into Wonderland

**_CHAPTER 4: INTO WONDERLAND_**

**(A/N: Finally some characters! Also, can you guess what the roasted pig is supposed to be?)**

After going through the door, Malice found herself in the most incredible place she has ever visited. There were trees everywhere and the ground was covered in small, green plants. was like the Surface, the world above the Underdark, only… the sun didn't burn.

"Interesting." Malice thought to herself as she explored the land, although her mind didn't wander from the most important task: Finding Drizzt and hammering those long, rabbit ears to the ceiling and letting him hang there as the spiders were eating him alive. Malice smiled to her imagination.

After a few minutes of walking, a little question crawled into her mind. "If I want to catch the little brat, I need to be big again, but how?" Malice stopped, as she came upon a large, bright orange mushroom, about the same height as herself. "Should I eat or drink something again?"

-Yes and no. - The mushroom spoke in a bored, almost sleepy voice, making the tiny matron jump. It took her a second to realise that the mushroom wasn't the one that spoke, but the drow sitting on top of it.

Adrenaline rushed in Malice's veins. Finally someone to talk to! However, when she took a closer look at the stranger, she saw that he had insect antennae on the top of his head, and that he was smoking a long hookah.

-Who are you? - She asked, cautious, for she knew that drow weren't really friendly to one another. This particular one paid no attention to her and continued to smoke.

"Kimmuriel." She heard a voice in her head. A psionicist, Malice realised. Well, that explains how he could hear her thoughts… A PSIONICIST! Malice quickly raised barriers around her mind, preventing the strange drow from looking into more of her thoughts.

-Relax. - Kimmuriel said, taking the hookah out of his mouth. – I know who you are, anyway, and I could hardly care about the rest. You know Jarlaxle? I work for him.-

Malice blinked, slightly taken aback, but her pride soon returned.  
-How dare you speak to me like that! - She yelled at him, trying to look intimidating in that ridiculous dress. It didn't seem to work, because Kimmuriel's bored expression didn't change.

-Correct me if I'm wrong, bout you're not a matron anymore. - He said. –And besides, we're not in Menzoberranzan, so I don't have to kiss your boots… But I think I'll help you.-

He got up from the mushroom and disappeared in the tall grass, to emerge a few minutes later, holding a smaller mushroom. He climbed on his mushroom again and tossed the smaller one to Malice.

-One side will make you bigger; the other will make you smaller. No, it's not poisonous. Now, if you excuse me…-

The strange psionicist put the hookah back into his mouth and seemed to space out, leaving Malice staring at him in confusion, until she decided that this Kimmuriel person won't be any more use to her, so she proceeded.

After a while, she decided to try the mushroom. Carefully, she broke off a tiny bit of it, -learning her lesson and saving the rest of the mushroom, just in case- and took a small bite. Suddenly, she began to shrink so rapidly, that she could hardly hold the piece, so she quickly bit the other side. This made her grow.

-There we go! - Malice exclaimed I delight when, after nibbling a little from both sides, she was brought back to her old size. It felt strange at first, but she quickly got used to it.

Whistling, she continued walking, her eyes continuously scanning the landscape for Drizzt. Where could this little traitor be? Her attention was caught by a small, beautiful house, about four feet high, from which Malice could smell roasted pig. Her mouth filled with saliva. She didn't eat properly for hours, and a quick snack would do no harm. Those peasants wouldn't say "no" to a matron, wouldn't they?

Malice smirked, taking a bite from the mushroom and shrinking to just about the right size. She approached the door, checking for traps out of habit, and knocked. To her surprise, the door was opened by a frog-headed servant, who led her to a big kitchen. Once she got there, Malice froze. Beside the fireplace where the pig was roasting, sat her eldest daughter, Briza Do'Urden, dressed in rich clothes and, judging from the look on her face, as surprised as Malice.

-Well, well, well. - Malice said, eyeing her daughter. –Who have we here?-

Briza blinked her surprise away and smiled unpleasantly.

–Good afternoon, mother. - She said, standing up and biting her lip, obviously trying to stop herself from laughing. Malice knew that she was laughing at her outfit. -Fancy a roasted pig, matron? - The last word was almost oozing sarcasm. Briza knew that Malice wasn't a matron anymore. She was the one who killed her and took her place, after all.

Malice's appetite vanished at once, as anger and injured pride took its place.

-Thank you, my daughter, but I'll pass. - She said with as much dignity as she could gather, and turned to leave. The Duchess watched her go, giggling and soon bursting into full blown laughter when the door shut behind her mother. Malice stomped away, angry and humiliated, almost going back and shoving that pig down her daughter's throat.

Then, she noticed a cat… Well, it was actually a panther. Big, at least ten feet long and covered in pink and purple stripes. It was lounging on a tree branch and looking obviously displeased. Malice guessed that it's because of the stripes and, despite herself, felt a rush of sympathy for the animal.

-Hey, don't worry, girl. - At least she assumed that it was a girl. –I know that feeling. - She gestured at her dress and hairband. –You're not the only one feeling ridiculous.-

The panther gave her a short glance and continued to lick her paw, so she proceeded, when she caught a glimpse of red. Could it be…?

**-xXx xXx xXx-**

Malice didn't know that, but she was being watched.

-Well, well, well…- The first of the men raised his eyebrow and took a sip from his teacup. –Look who came along.-

The second man looked up from his cup and squinted.

-Is she the person who I think she is? - He asked, and it was obvious that he was hoping that the answer would be "no".

The first man responded. –I think that she is.- He grinned. –Now THIS is going to be interesting.-

The second man sighed and his head dropped on the table, beside the third man.

-_Vithin_ perfect. - He muttered.

-Zzzzzzzz.- Said the third man.


	6. Chapter 5: An Unpleasant Reunion

**_CHAPTER 5: AN UNPLEASANT REUNION_**

**(A/N: There goes one of my favourite chapters! I hope that you'll enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!)**

There was no doubt. It was the very Drizzt Do'Urden himself, walking around innocently, calling: "Guenhwyvar!" every once in a while. Malice watched him from behind a tree, nibbling her mushroom to turn the right size again.

The child stopped in the middle of the path.

-Guenhwyvar! - He called out. –Guen, where are you?!- He turned his back to her, obviously unaware of what was watching him. Malice saw her chance.

-There you are, you little pest! - She roared, jumping at him with the intention of tearing him to shreds on the spot. Drizzt turned around, his eyes widening in terror.

-No! - He screamed. Everything seemed to slow down.

Suddenly, just when Malice's nails were about to reach the boy's eyes, there was a flash of metal and a flutter of a dark grey cape and a blade of a _very_ sharp sword appeared millimetres from the matron's throat.

Malice looked up, her eyes widening in surprise, then disbelief, then pure outrage.

-What?!- She exclaimed, taking a step back.

In front of her stood a tall drow, dressed in a long, dark grey, more-than-slightly torn trench coat, black trousers and a dark red shirt. One hand was holding the sword, while the other was pushing Drizzt behind him, making sure that Malice wouldn't reach him. He too, just like Drizzt, had a pair of rabbit ears protruding from the top of his head, but his were jet black.

-Hands off my son, Malice! - The March Hare growled, his blood red eyes narrowing threateningly. He didn't lower down his sword even when she took a few steps back, eyeing him with pure hatred in her eyes.

-You. – She spat out, hardly believing what she was seeing.

When he made sure that his son was no longer in danger, Zaknafein Do'Urden relaxed noticeably, returning the sword to its sheath. His eyes didn't leave Malice's.

-You. - He snarled at her with equal dismay. Both of them were seriously considering jumping to each other's throats right there.

The silence that followed lasted for a few minutes before a merry voice tore it apart.

-Now, now. No bloodshed, please. I wouldn't like to deal with two more dead bodies.-

The Mad Hatter approached them, his jewellery jingling loudly and the feathers in his hat bobbing merrily.

-Gods, no…- Malice hid her face in her hands and dropped on her knees. –Not you two. _Anything_ but you two.-

Zak grinned at his companion, who was wearing a bright purple top hat adorned with colourful feathers, a long, finely tailored jacked that shone in thousands eye-stingingly bright colours with a crisp white shirt underneath, neon green trousers and tall, black boots. All that, plus about fifty tons of jewellery and trinkets. He also wore a black eyepatch decorated with rubies.

Jarlaxle raised his perfect eyebrow as he looked down at the matron, who just knelt there, muttering complaints under her breath.

-Tea? - He offered. Zaknafein's grin widened.

**(A/N: I really, REALLY wanted to make Zak be either the Mad Hatter or the Cheshire Cat, purely so that he could annoy the guts out of Malice, but Jarlaxle threatened to stab me if I didn't make him the Mad Hatter, and I kinda wanted to have Cheshire Guen, so have Rabbit Zak, I guess. Also, the fact that both Drizzt and Zak are rabbits is 99.9% accidental, but I just went with it. Like father, like son, right?)**


	7. Chapter 6: A Mad Tea-Party

**_CHAPTER 6: A MAD TEA-PARTY_**

They sat in front of the March Hare's house, which had two chimneys shaped like rabbit ears and the roof thatched with what seemed to be fur. In the front garden there were no plants except for an old elm tree, under which a table was set. The table was a big one, for about ten people, but there were only two chairs, two cups, a plate of biscuits and a small teapot.

When they neared, Malice saw a tiny human, about the size of a mouse, slumbering on the table. He had short, black, messy hair, slightly tanned skin and traces of stubble on his chin. He wore a bright pink jacket with a purple shirt underneath, as well as a pair of dark brown trousers. Upon a closer look she found that he had a pair of mouse ears in place of his human ones and a long tail, suitable for a mouse.

-Who is this _rivvil_? – Malice wrinkled her nose in disgust. She hated humans, just like any other drow, really.

-That, my dear Malice, is Artemis Entreri. - Jarlaxle gestured at the sleeping man. – He's a famous and successful assassin, however not at this current moment.-

Drizzt moved shyly from behind Zak and, avoiding Malice's eyes, approached Entreri and poked him. He didn't even stir.

-We should draw something on his face. - The boy said, smiling mischievously. The Dormouse opened his eyes and gave him the most deadly death glare that was ever given in Wonderland.

-Just you try, and I will find that blasted cake that makes people bigger and turn you into rabbit stew. - He grumbled. –I don't even care that you're a kid now. Touch me and di-HEY! - Suddenly, Drizzt lifted him by his tail and allowed to dangle in front of his face before he stuck his tongue out at him.

-Just because I'm a child in this world doesn't mean that I'm not able to kick your bottom all the way back to Faerun…- his grin turned simply demonic. –…or just allow Guen to eat you.-

Just as these words were spoken, a greyish-purple mist appeared and soon materialised into the striped panther Malice saw earlier. The cat licked its lips, as if anticipating eating Entreri, who paled noticeably.

-And that, - Zaknafein proudly patted his son's shoulder –is why you do NOT mess with my son. –

Drizzt's expression turned into that of purest innocence as he set the Dormouse down on the table and grabbed himself a biscuit.

Jarlaxle shook his head, laughing.

-Alas, - he said. –Sometimes I forget that he isn't such an innocent, harmless child, but a powerful ranger, experienced in battle and about as experienced in annoying people as his father.-

Both the White Rabbit and the March Hare grinned widely. Malice rolled her eyes.

Everyone sat by the table, Malice having stolen a chair from Zak, who then stole Jarlaxle's chair, leaving the poor mercenary having to sit on the grass, complaining how that would ruin his beautiful outfit. The Dormouse fell asleep again and Drizzt was playing with Guenhwyvar.

-So, - The Mad Hatter began. –I repeat my question from earlier on, - he raised the teapot. –Tea?-

Malice looked down at the empty space before her and was just about to demand a teacup, when one magically materialised out of nothing.

-Alright. - She agreed. –I guess that tea won't do anyone any harm. - She glared at Zaknafein, who was sitting comfortably with his feet on the table and laughing silently, obviously at her outfit. –Unless I'll throw it into a certain someone's face. - Jarlaxle nodded, a smile never leaving his lips.

-Tea it is! - He waved his hand and the teapot flew to her and, after stopping to pour tea all over the Dormouse, poured tea into her cup. Malice took a look at the drink. It seemed pretty normal and, since those idiots were drinking it, not poisoned. She risked a sip, half expecting to grow or shrink, but nothing happened, beside the tea burning her tongue.

Zak's laughter turned into an amused smirk as he watched her with some satisfaction.

-Drizzt! - He called out. –Leave that cat alone and come here! - Drizzt looked up from scratching the panther between the ears and jogged up to the table, his long ears jumping up and down as he went. Zak whispered something into his ear and the boy smiled and ran off, giggling silently. The matron watched him suspiciously.

-So…- Jarlaxle decided to spark a conversation. –How do you like this wonderful place? - He waved his hand, indicating that he meant the Wonderland in general. Malice took a careful sip from the cup before answering.

-Strange and annoying place. - She said simply. –Just like its inhabitants.-

-Why, thank you, _matron_! - The March Hare sent her a charming smile, seemingly making it his life goal to annoy the wits out of her. So far, he was succeeding. He too, just like Briza, Kimmuriel and probably everyone else knew that Malice wasn't a matron anymore. She ignored him, committing a terrible and bloody murder in her imagination instead.

-I came here after my annoying brat of a son, hoping to give him a proper punishment, but ended up falling down some insanely deep hole, having to grow and shrink multiple times, solve some stupid riddles and, what's the worst, meet the two of you. - She spat out the last words as the Mad Hatter raised his hat in mock salute.

-I think, - he said, pouring some tea into his cup –that this place is truly gorgeous. Full of new, exciting and colourful things and places. Plus, - he gestured at his outfit. -We get to wear those outstanding clothes!-

Zaknafein almost choked on his biscuit laughing at Malice's expression. It was clear that the two men were the only two people, maybe besides Drizzt, who were able to pull their outfits off.

-You know, - The woman had a snide remark at the end of her tongue, -I don't think…-

-Then don't talk. - The March Hare cut in, his grin in place. –If you don't think, you shouldn't talk. That's the point. - He shot her a glance before drinking the rest of his tea. –Which makes me wonder why your lips haven't been stitched shut yet.-

-Why you...- Anger boiled up in Malice as she stood up, throwing the teapot at him. He dodged it gracefully, the innocent thing flying past him and shattering against the tree. A second after that, Drizzt came back with a new teapot.

Zak winked at him. –See? - He said - Didn't I tell you that she would smash it?-

The White Rabbit giggled, set the teapot on the fuming matron's head and grabbed himself yet another biscuit before fist-bumping his father and running off to Guenhwyvar, who seemed to be delighted beyond measure to see him. The tea started to boil inside the teapot, so Jarlaxle removed it from Malice's head and poured himself another cuppa.

-I hate you all. - The woman drawled through her grit teeth.

-Likewise, our dear Malice! - Both men grinned, raising their teacups. –Likewise!-

With a soft "ugh", Malice let her head drop on the table. It rested right beside the Dormouse, who has, of course, slept through everything.


	8. Chapter 7: The Red Queen's Palace

**_CHAPTER 7: THE RED QUEEN'S PALACE_**

**(A/N: Sorry for the long break, but I didn't have too much free time lately :/ Also, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE WONDERFUL REVIEWS! :'D I love you guys! ^^ By the way, if you see any errors, be it spelling, grammar or anything that stands out that I have missed, please tell me!)**

**-xXx xXx xXx-**

"This is _terrible_" Malice thought, looking around frantically to find an excuse, any excuse to get away from the table. The party was still going on and it didn't look like it was going to end soon. How can they talk about nothing and drink tea for so long?!

Jarlaxle mentioned something about "being forever trapped in the tea-time", but she dismissed it as one of the numerous -and successful- attempts to annoy her. He and Zak did that constantly. Thank Gods that at least the little human wasn't so annoying, mostly due to the fact that he was asleep for most of the time.

Just as Malice was about to give up and commit a suicide by chocking on a biscuit and suffocating, she noticed that one of the trees had a door, -about as tall as her, luckily- leading straight into it.

"Please, let it not be a trap." Malice prayed as she silently slipped off her chair and tip-toed to the said door.

"Lolth almighty, please make it be a real door that will take me away from those idiots."

Just as she was about to turn the doorknob, the matron felt someone tugging at her apron. She spun around to see Drizzt, smiling innocently at her.

-Going somewhere? - He asked and, before she could stop him, gave a loud whistle, alarming the others.

-_Vith dos!_ \- She hissed at him and made an attempt to smack him, but he swiftly avoided the blow. It was too late to run. They'd catch up with her in no time.

Jarlaxle threw his arm across her shoulders nonchalantly. –Where is our dear matron going, may I ask? - He purred, smiling mischievously and showing a full set of blindingly white teeth and a small golden piercing in his lower lip.

She huffed, smacking his arm off. –None of our business. - She growled, face palming herself mentally. Was there really no escape from them?!

Zak examined the door curiously, looking for any traps and such things, as well as checking if the door was in fact a door, and not a painting or an illusion.

-Seems real. - He concluded and pulled the doorknob, revealing the same big room full of doors that Malice was in earlier on. From their perspective, they could see that one door was open, too, leading to a beautiful garden filled with all kinds of flowers in all kinds of colours and patterns.

-We should go there! - The White Rabbit grinned widely, his eyes shining with excitement almost as brightly as if they were a pair of little lavender suns. The Mad Hatter' smile widened.

-I agree with Drizzt. - He said, taking a step into the room, his jewellery ringing loudly as he walked. –Ah, look at those _stunning_ plants! I must get myself at least some of them. –

Malice had little to no choice but to follow the mercenary, and was just about to do so, when Zaknafein's gloved hand caught her wrist and pulled her close. The weapon master leaned down and whispered right into her ear:

-Most of the inhabitants of Wonderland are immortal, except for the frog-headed people, the cards and other freaks, – His whisper turned into a growl. - but I swear to all the gods that ever existed, exist and will exist, that if you lay a finger on my son, if you even try to hurt him, I will find you anywhere, in any place on any world and make you regret not being able to die. You're not a matron anymore, so you have no power over me, and I have a little more than a thousand other reasons to kill you. Think about that.-

He moved away and stepped into the room without any further comments, ducking slightly so that his ears could go through as well. Drizzt followed him closely, accompanied by the panther, which held the obviously displeased Dormouse in its mouth. The little man just hung there with his arms crossed, muttering some curses in a language Malice didn't understand.

**-xXx xXx xXx-**

The garden turned out to be magnificent beyond compare. Our merry company wandered through it, eyes and mouths wide in wonder. Once or twice, The Mad Hatter would pick a particularly stunning flower and add it to the feathers in his hat, which soon made him look like he wore a particularly beautiful bouquet on his head. The smell of all the flowers surrounded him and made everyone else sneeze and gag. Other than that, no one seemed to complain. Although there were a few occasions when either Drizzt or Zak have slipped a few flowers into Malice's hair just to annoy her... Alright, maybe slightly more than a few… A lot… All the time…

In the time that almost seemed too short they emerged out of the gardens. Before their eyes there grew a giant palace made purely of shining black stone. It contrasted heavily with the colourful flowers and made Malice feel almost at home. It was so similar to House Do'Urden… She sighed, for the first time in her long life feeling homesick. _Any_ place was better than where she was right now.

Jarlaxle whistled in amazement, strolling gracefully to the main gate.

-De ja vu? - He raised his eyebrows, challenging one of the gargoyles to a staring contest. Since the creature was but a statue, he had no chance of winning.

-Looks a bit like House Do'Urden. - Zaknafein noticed, echoing Malice's thoughts. He stopped in front of a strikingly familiar statue of a spider holding a different weapon in each of his eight legs; the emblem of house Daermon N'Shezbaernon, House Do'Urden.

–A _lot_, actually. - He amended.

Suddenly, a drow strolled out of the castle. He was dressed in a white waist jacket decorated with red heart patterns, crimson trousers and a pair of black shoes. He held a plate of heart-shaped tarts and was eating one with a bored expression. Malice recognised him as Dinin, her oldest son alive (since he stabbed his older brother in the back.).

-Dinin! - She called out to him.

The Knave of Hearts nearly choked on his tart and spun around to see who dared to interrupt his meal. His eyes widened when he saw his mother.

-_Vith!_ \- He swore in shock, but quickly retrieved his self-control. –I mean, greetings, mother! - He fidgeted with the plate. –Fancy a tart? - He offered, smiling fawningly.

She huffed, not even considering accepting the offer. Gods only knew what eating one of those would turn her into. Drizzt rushed to his older brother, snatching two pastries from his platter and ran back before he could catch him, throwing one tart to Zak, who caught it dexterously and ate it with obvious pleasure. Jarlaxle sighed.

-Why won't anyone share anything with me?!- He complained dramatically. The Dormouse cracked one eye open, obviously waking up from his nap.

-I could share my dagger with you, you know. - He grumbled. –If by "sharing" you mean sticking it right between your eyes for constantly waking me up.-

The mercenary ignored him and reached towards the plate, hoping to get a tart, but Dinin took it out of his reach, pouting.

-Nope. Those are **my** tarts. - He said posessively. – Mine. Get your own, since you're so rich and omnipotent. - Zaknafein snorted, his cake still in his mouth. Malice rolled her eyes for about the fiftieth time today. _Gods._

-So, what brings you guys to the Red Queen's palace? - Dinin asked, leaning against the gate smugly. Luckily, he didn't comment on Malice's outfit. She would have to kill him if he did… But, according to Zak, they were all immortal, so that would be hard. Torture him, maybe? Once she'll be done with Drizzt, of course… The matron smiled to her thoughts.

-What brings us here? - The Mad Hatter repeated, adjusting his flowery hat. –Why, no reason at all, dear Dinin. We have stumbled upon this _magnificent_ garden and decided to explore it. Boredom, I guess.-

Once the Knave was sure that no one was going to steal any more of his beloved tarts, he led them into the castle.


	9. Author's Note

**Hey, everyone!**

**Sorry, it's just an author's note.**

**Yeah, see when I said that I ran out of fuel? Well, luckily, a few cups of hot chocolate and about ten cans of Red Bull have filled up my fuel tank all right! **

**Unfortunately, I'll be pretty busy for the next few days, so any updates will be postponed.**

**Please bear with me and stay awesome! Your reviews are great and they warm my heart so much! **

**Have a wonderful day/night/whenever you're reading this :)**

**-positive**


	10. Chapter 8: All Hail The Queen

**_CHAPTER 8: ALL HAIL THE QUEEN_**

**(A/N: Good news! I'm sick, so all the plans have been cancelled! To celebrate, have a double update!)  
**

The inside of the Red Queen's Palace was as similar to House Do'Urden as the outside.

There were spider statues and tapestries everywhere, and Malice could tell without a second of hesitation what chamber they passed or which corridor they took. The overall impression was however diluted by some heart-themed ornaments here and there. Strange.

Soon, they reached the door to the main chapel, where usually all the family meetings were held. The Knave of Hearts opened the door and strolled in casually, not even bothering to knock.

When Malice followed, scolding him silently for his ever present lack of manners, she was greeted by the sight so unbelievable that she had to blink a few times to make sure that she wasn't seeing things.

In the centre of the room, on the throne where _she_ always sat, there sat Matron Yvonnel Baenre, as old and wrinkled as Malice remembered her, dressed in a beautiful, crimson and white gown decorated with golden and silver heart patterns. Beside her, there stood Rizzen, Malice's former patron, dressed in a red and white waistcoat and trousers, also adorned with hearts. The King and Queen of Wonderland both wore spectacular crowns, glittering with rubies and diamonds that made Jarlaxle's eyes fill with tears. Gods, he _had_ to get his hands on those.

The ancient matron stood up when they entered, a playful smirk dancing on her lips.

-Welcome, Malice! - She greeted the former matron, not even sparing a glance at her companions. –How nice of you that you've finally decided to join us!-

Rizzen's attention shifted from his boots to the newcomers and he almost fainted.

-Matron! - He called out, rushing to Malice, when the Red Queen lifted her hand, commanding him to stay where he stood. He obeyed, accidentally making eye contact with Zaknafein instead. The weapon master sent him a grin truly worth of a hungry wolf.

-Hey, Rizzen! - He greeted the suddenly trembling king, obviously enjoying the fear that lit in the man's eyes. –Long time no see!-

Malice paid no attention to either the two of her former lovers, nor the Mad Hatter silently trying to sweep the Red King's crown off his head. Her gaze was focused on the matron who sat on _her_ place, in _her_ house, who forced her into the _ridiculous_ outfit she still couldn't get used to.

-You. – She drawled, her voice dripping with venom. –What are you doing here?!-

-Why, ruling as always! - The old woman responded, her laughter sounding almost like a cough. –And you are, as always, a mere worm crawling at my feet!-

If any of the drow in the room would've turned on his infravision, he would've seen Malice as a blurry silhouette of white fire, blazing with the heat of pure wrath. No one, not even the Matron Mother of the first house in Menzoberranzan will disrespect her in _her_ own house! She did not care about the consequences. She did not care about the fact that she was about to kill the priestess in Lolth's highest favour. She didn't care about anything but the fact that the old bat had to die

Malice yanked one of Zak's swords out of its sheath and charged at the old woman, whose dark red eyes widened in shock as the blade sliced off her head so easily, as if cutting through butter.

The silence that flooded the room lasted until Malice ripped off her black hairband and placed the Red Queen's crown on her head.


	11. Chapter 9: Happily Ever After (epilogue)

**_CHAPTER 9: HAPPILY EVER AFTER_**

**(A/N: Now this chapter was almost too fun to write…)**

Once Matron Baenre was confirmed to be dead, Jarlaxle dragged out of the palace, still making grabby hands at her crown and Zaknafein stopped laughing and applauding, everything seemed to return to a relatively convincing illusion of normality. All the strange outfits were gone, along with animal ears, tails, antennae et cetera. Everyone turned the right size, age and colour again and everyone was happy… Well, maybe except for Jarlaxle, who was deeply upset to see his Mad Hatter's outfit gone, along with all the flowers from his hat, but he welcomed warmly his old outfit and a few golden trinkets have shushed him completely.

The new Red Queen was sitting on her throne, tapping the armrest impatiently. Where, in Nine Hells is… The door opened and Zaknafein Do'Urden strolled in casually.

-You called? - He asked innocently, blowing a stray strand of hair from his face, a mischievous grin forming on his lips.

Malice was desperately trying to stop thinking about how handsome he was and get to the matter at hand. He had this mischievous, boyish charm and… The queen cleared her throat, a very light blush appearing on her cheeks. She _hated_ that charming bastard.

-You're late. - She said. That was a good start. –I've summoned you twenty minutes ago, so you should've been here…-

Zak's grin only widened. –Ah, but who are you to command me? - He asked, tilting his head slightly to the side and regarding her curiously.

-I'm your QUEEN! - Malice stood up abruptly, anger slowly building up inside her. –I am your queen and you should obey me!-

-Oh, are you now? - The weapon master's confidence was almost worrying. Did he know something she didn't? –Because from what I recall, the Red Queen can only command the creatures of Wonderland, like the card people, frog headed servant and others… but not anyone from _outside_ Wonderland, so me, Drizzt, Jarlaxle…-

-Prove it. - Malice said, a sick feeling beginning to form in her gut. She called one of the card people, who brought the Big Book of Rules. Together, the matron and the weapon master opened it and he pointed at the right extract.

_"__It is stated that the Red Queen of Wonderland is allowed to rule, order and kill the inhabitants of Wonderland, including frog-headed people, card people, the animals, birds and insects and other beings born in Wonderland… She has, however, no power over anyone who has not been born in Wonderland, but in any place outside Wonderland…"_

-See? - Zak closed the book, his eyes glinting with triumph. –You can order your pathetic little cards around, but you have no power over me!-

The matron still stared at the book in disbelief.

"Then… Was it all for nothing?" She thought. "What's the use of power if I can't get my revenge?" She turned to Zaknafein, only to find that he was leaving the throne room, whistling a merry tune. She had no power to stop him.

The weapon master grinned widely as the rock-splitting shriek of pure outrage shook the castle he was leaving behind. Gods, that _was_ satisfying. He returned to the March Hare's house, his chainmail ringing silently with each step. The table was where he left it, which was a small miracle, since…

-Come here and face your death like a man! - Drizzt yelled, his forest green cloak whipping wildly as he chased Artemis around the meadow. Since both of them were the right size and age again, they were back to their usual squabbling, yelling and generally trying to murder each other.

Jarlaxle was watching the whole show from a chair by the table and drinking tea with an amused expression. He stood up when he saw his companion return.

-How was it? - He asked, placing his teacup back on the table and ducking under a particularly heavy rock thrown by one of the rivals, obviously aimed at the other one, who moved out of the way. Both of them were skilled fighters, so neither wanted to engage into a swordfight.

Zaknafein laughed. -Didn't you hear? - He asked, pouring himself a cup of tea and dodging a tree branch thrown by Entreri. –Aim at my son, not me, alright?!-

-Hey! - Drizzt's voice sounded somewhere from behind a tree as he jumped out and threw another rock at the assassin. The weapon master shook his head.

-Even as an adult, he is still a kid. - He sighed, taking a sip from his cup.

The mercenary nodded. -So, what did you do to annoy her this time? - He asked, returning to the subject of a certain matron. His friend shrugged.

-Told her that she doesn't have any power over us and escaped before she tried to murder me again. - He chuckled, deflecting a knife thrown by the assassin with his blade.

-Alright, you two! - He stood up, grabbing both his son and the assassin and banging their heads together to calm them down. –Let's settle this down.-

-He started it! - Drizzt pouted, rubbing his forehead and pointing at Entreri, who sent him a death glare. Zak cursed silently and continued:

-I don't want to know who started it this time. What I want is you two to stop fighting!- Both warriors looked genuinely shocked at the idea.

-Not fight? - Artemis repeated. –Then what?-

-I don't know! Play rock-paper-scissors or something. I'm not your father, for gods' sake…- he paused for a second. -Fine, maybe I am. –he altered, looking at Drizzt, who avoided his gaze.

-My point is, find a less destructive way to settle down your differences or I'll give you a fight that will make both of you wish you've never been born, got it?- He glared at them until they nodded. –Now be good children and go play somewhere else. - He waved his hand carelessly and returned to the table.

-Kids. – Jarlaxle smiled sympathetically, handing him his cup. –It's third time this week, isn't it?-

-Fourth. - The weapon master corrected him, rubbing his temples. –Gods almighty, I'm actually tempted to start some sparring matches just to kick their asses.-

The mercenary grinned, pouring himself yet another cup of tea. –I see no reason why not, _khal abbil._ \- His friend looked at him, a mad smile forming on his face.

-Neither do I.-

_"__We're all mad here."_

**END.**

**(A/N: So, how did you like it? Was it good? Was it funny? Is there room for improvement? English is my second language, so I'd be grateful for any tips!)**


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